I feel like I can’t do this school shit. I hate the classes I’m taking. Maybe I should focus on film, get my associates and take no other classes of possible then transfer and take the more serious classes. I’m putting everything off and possibly failing two classes out of four. Doesn’t look good for my gpa. I feel like such a failure. I have to leave in ten minutes, I just don’t care enough since I obviously can’t even manage to do this shit an I just tossed money in the trash by possibly failing. I have only my finals to turn this around and the engl900 class is just, it’s done for there’s no passing that class anymore. If I can save every other class I would be happy. I hope I can save history. Don’t want to go to any of my classes. I’m just taking film stuff. That’s a good plan. Maybe some English and math, take whatever I have to to transfer but ultimately, just end up taking mainly stuff I know I will enjoy, pass, and get credit, and my money’s worth for.

Dad: I want to sell Little Blue
Me to Steven: my dad is selling the old car in the back
Steven: yeeee
Dad: I’m only selling it because you asked
Me: it’s got great gas mileage and runs well and you get the boyfriend discount of 1,000 dollars! And he’s getting it smogged!
Steven: only 20mpg? :/

Shouldn’t have built it up if I didn’t know the specs but it’s a great fucking deal and I wish he wouldn’t say things like “I want a cool old car with 30+ mpg that is reliable and won’t break down and doesn’t need to be fixed up”

I don’t care if you buy it. Check it out and keep looking but don’t say that shit to me about wanting something better when I’m offering something that to me is fucking fantastic. :/

It was a shitty day and I made it worse and I almost think I should just save him from how crazy I am by breaking it off so he can still think I’m an alright person. Maybe it was just the shitty day but a shitty day is no excuse for being a cunt to someone. I almost want to take a poll and see arguments for either side for my being pissed off about this. It’s so fucking stupid. I need to sleep. I’m getting so over-dramatic. Just want to cry and let out all this pent up frustration. Nothing works better than crumpling up on the floor and sobbing till you can’t cry anymore! It’s true of me at least. I’m sure there are other things that work too, just sounds good for right now. I see no point to any of this. To buying things, to having currency, to live basically. So dramatic and stupid and over-reactive etc. but it feels terrible to wonder what everyone else sees in the world, why everyone is so happy and okay and able to deal with things and able to have some sort of reason everyday. Yay, I am begging for attention and I am being over dramatic! Yay! Fuck off. I’m fine. Leave me alone.

I fall asleep the second before I have to, I take a nap to wake up to a call from Heather’s school, I take another nap (luckily able to sleep) and wake up late, I have an argument with the bestie, go to make-up class and I get back to San Dimas and all I can think about is how much I do not want to be experiencing anything at all. It would be much better off just being numb or nonexistent and is it silly to be so upset about things right now? Yes, it absolutely is but every time I have to feel a negative feeling I’m reminded of how much I just do not want to deal with any of these feels and I imagine how easy it would be to not feel them anymore and how troublesome it is to feel something so strongly. It frustrates me that I can get enraged because of little to nothing and then not long after I burst into tears for god knows what reason. I’m going to take a gander though and say it’s the lack of sleep talking and I’m going to lay down and attempt to get some sleep in hopes that tomorrow will be a better day. If I don’t think about how emotional I got it’s not that bad a day but I just can’t do this. Or at least, that’s what I continue to think every time the going gets rough.